“I hate him but I want him” – Science Behind Loving Someone You Hate

Share article:

It’s a confusing and frustrating feeling to love someone you once hated. You might have said “I hate him but I want him” when you were going through a break up right? Whether it’s an ex you can’t get over or a family member that has always rubbed you the wrong way, loving someone you hate is a complicated emotion and experience.

On the one hand, you may feel like you’re betraying yourself by even allowing yourself to feel attracted to this person. After all, you spent so much time and energy hating them – how could you possibly love them now?

I hate him but I want him -  Science Behind Loving Someone You Hate featured image poll result

It seems like ESTJs with their strong convictions find it hard to love someone they once hated.

Read on and discover some of the studies that help make loving someone you hate possible – just in case.

Loving Someone You Hate

It’s complicated, loving someone you once hated. The feeling is intense and passionate, as though you’re trying to make up for all the anger and pain of the past. But it’s also scary because you know that this person has the power to hurt you like no one else can.

On the other hand, you may find yourself drawn to them in spite of yourself. Maybe they’ve changed since you last saw them, or maybe you’ve simply grown and evolved as a person. Regardless of the reasons, it’s important, to be honest with yourself about your feelings.

If you’re not sure whether your feelings are genuine, take some time to reflect on why you initially disliked this person.

  • What traits or behaviors bothered you then?
  • Have those things changed?
  • Or do you simply see them in a new light?

Only you can answer these questions, but being honest with yourself is an important first step in exploring your shifting feelings. If you decide that your feelings are genuine, then it’s time to take the next step and tell the object of your affections how you feel. This can be a daunting task, but it’s important to remember that everyone is capable of change. You may be surprised at how receptive they are to your newfound love.

There are many signs that your feelings may be shifting from hate to love. Perhaps you find yourself thinking about this person more often than you’d like to admit.

Maybe you find yourself getting annoyed with them for no reason, or perhaps you start making excuses for their bad behavior. If you’re feeling a strong emotional connection to someone you once hated, it’s possible that your feelings have changed.

It can be difficult to tell the difference between love and hate, but if you’re feeling confused or conflicted, it’s important to take some time to reflect on your feelings.

Signs of Shifting Feelings

So, you think you might be in love. It’s a scary feeling, especially if you’re coming from a place of hate. But there are definitely some signs that your feelings are changing. Here are some of them:

1. You find yourself thinking about this person all the time.

At first, you can’t stand being around them, but now you can’t get them out of your head. You find yourself making excuses to see or talk to them. You catch yourself staring at them when they’re not looking.

You start to feel a confusing mix of anger, frustration, and desire whenever you’re around them. You find yourself wanting to do things to make them happy, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. Slowly but surely, you’re falling in love with your enemy.

2. You want to be around them as much as possible, and you’re always looking for ways to make them happy.

If you’re wondering whether your hate might be turning into love, there are definitely some signs to look out for. First and foremost, you’ll start wanting to be around the person more and more. You’ll find yourself seeking them out, wanting to make them happy and see them smile.

Additionally, your conversations will become more pleasant and easy-flowing; you’ll find yourself less likely to pick fights or say hurtful things. Furthermore, you’ll start seeing the best in them, even when they’re at their worst. If you’re noticing these things, it’s very possible that your hate is turning into love.

3. When they’re upset, it feels like your own happiness is at stake.

It’s not easy to tell when you’re falling out of hate and into love. The transition can be gradual, or it can happen suddenly. However, there are some definite signs that your feelings are shifting.

For example, when they’re upset, it feels like your own happiness is at stake. You feel upset too, even if you don’t know why. Additionally, you find yourself wanting to know everything about them, from their favorite color to their hopes and fears. You also start making excuses for their behavior, even when they’re in the wrong.

All of these changes can be confusing and scary, but they’re also a sign that your feelings are deepening. So if you’re wondering if you’re falling in love, pay attention to how you feel around the object of your affection. Chances are, your heart will give you the answer you’re looking for.

If you’re not careful, this love can consume you completely.

It’s a lot of pressure, but if you’re willing to take the leap, it could turn out to be the best decision of your life. So go ahead and take that chance. It just might be worth it.

The Truth in “The Deeper the Love, the Deeper the Hate”.

psychological study sheds new light on the age-old question of whether love or hate is stronger.


This study provides valuable insight into the complex nature of human emotions and underscores the importance of taking a nuanced approach to understanding our relationships with others.

  • The research shows that, contrary to popular belief, it is not necessarily hate that is the more powerful emotion. Instead, the strength of one’s feelings appears to be influenced by a variety of factors, including similarity and familiarity.
  • In the case of a person whom one loves or hates the most, it seems that love may still be dominant in the context of betrayal.
  • However, for someone with whom one has no personal connection, feelings of hatred are likely to be stronger than those of love.

This shows that when there is a sense of similarity or familiarity with a person (like a prior personal connection to intimacy) is vital in the dominant expression of love and hate. So the more that you know a person, the more it is likely that you will have dominant feelings of love for them.

So the adage, “the person you hate the most is the one you love the most” is a likely truth at the most.

Why do we hate the ones we love the most?

We hate the ones we love the most because we’re afraid of them. We’re afraid of how much they can hurt us.

Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. When we love someone, we open ourselves up to being hurt by them. And when that person hurts us, it’s especially painful because we love and trust them so much.

So we end up hating the people who have hurt us the most because it’s a way of protecting ourselves from getting hurt again. It’s a way of putting up a wall around our hearts to keep them from getting in again.

Is it true the more you love, the more you hate? Can loving someone make you hate them?

It’s not always that the more you love, the more you hate. What is true, however, is that the more you love someone, the more sensitive you become to any slight criticism from that person.

When you’re invested in a relationship – whether with a friend, family member, or romantic partner – you become much more attuned to their moods and behavior. When you care about someone, their well-being becomes important to you. And so when that person does something that doesn’t align with your views or expectations of them, it can cause a lot of upset and conflict.

The feeling of intense love can trigger powerful emotions, including fear, anger, and jealousy. When these intense emotions are triggered, they can sometimes cause us to behave in ways that we later regret or hurt the person we love.

It’s important to remember that these intense feelings are normal and usually pass over time. However, if you feel angry or resentful towards the person you love, it might be helpful to talk to a psychologist or therapist who can help you understand and manage your feelings.

Can you hate someone you love the most?

It is possible to hate someone you once loved. Perhaps you’ve been betrayed or hurt in some way. Or maybe the person has changed into someone you no longer recognize. Whatever the reason, it’s possible to feel intense hatred for someone you used to love. 

However, it’s important to understand that this isn’t necessarily bad. In some cases, it may be necessary to let go of someone you love if they are no longer good for you. Feeling hatred toward them can signify that you are ready to move on. 

Of course, there is such a thing as healthy hatred. It’s normal to feel angry or resentful towards someone you love as long as you find ways to resolve it.

How do you hate someone you love deeply?

Whatever the reason, it is important to remember that you are not obligated to continue loving someone if they no longer make you happy. Your happiness should be your top priority, and if someone is standing in the way of that, it is okay to walk away from them, even if it hurts.

It can be incredibly difficult to hate someone you love deeply. You may feel like you are betraying your own emotions by doing so. However, there are some reasons why people might come to hate someone they love. Maybe this person has hurt them deeply, or they have consistently failed to meet their expectations.

What is it called when you love someone you hate?

It’s called ambivalent love. Ambivalent love is a type of love characterized by strong feelings of both love and hate for the same person. People who experience ambivalent love often fluctuate between loving and hating their partner, sometimes even within the same day or conversation.

It’s an emotional roller coaster where the person alternates between loving and hating the other person. It’s a sign that there are unresolved issues and deep-seated anger or resentment that needs to be dealt with.

There’s a lot of research on this phenomenon, and it’s quite common. It’s usually explained in our early attachment experiences with our parents or primary caregivers. 

If we had an ambivalent attachment with our parents, they were both loving and unavailable to us emotionally. This kind of inconsistency can be confusing and damaging for a child, and it often leads to ambivalent attachments in adulthood.

It makes sense that if we experience ambivalent attachments in childhood, we are more likely to experience them in our adult relationships. After all, we are attracted to people who are familiar to us, even if those people aren’t good for us.

What to do when you hate someone you used to love?

When you find yourself in a situation where you hate someone you used to love, it can be difficult to know how to handle it. The most important thing to remember is that your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel angry, hurt, or betrayed by someone you used to care for. What’s important is how you choose to deal with those feelings.

One option is to try and forgive the person who hurt you. This can be difficult, but it can also be very freeing. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean forgetting what they did or excusing their behavior. It simply means letting go of the anger and resentment you’re holding onto. This can be a tough road to take, but ultimately it may be the best way to move forward.

Another option is to cut ties with the person entirely. This may be the best decision if the person continues to hurt you or if they are no longer a positive force in your life. If you choose this route, it’s important to be honest with yourself and ensure that you’re doing it for the right reasons.

There is no wrong or right answer when dealing with someone you hate. What’s important is that you listen to your heart and do what feels best for you.

About the Author

Louee Gonzales

A licensed psychometrician, SEO wiz, and a psychology content specialist.

Maybe I can do the same for you.
Let’s get on a call to see if we’re fit for your needs.
No strings attached.